Friends with benefits ……. Uh oh I fell in love

So a guy I fancied actually wanted to be with me, but with no feelings or a relationship.

I should have said no as I already liked him more than a friend……

well her her I am nearly 6mths later, I’m in love and he has made me cry more times than I can recall.He seems to push me away and blow hot and cold. One minute he wants to hang out, have cosy film nights in and then poof he’s gone for weeks.

I want to walk away but my heart won’t let me

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happiness …….. is it deserved ?

well it looks like my abusive ex boyfriend is getting married.

 

Is it wrong of me to be angry thinking that he doesn’t deserve to be happy ? Years ago the news of his impending marriage would have made me feel like my heart had been ripped out but now I’m just plain angry.

 

Why does he deserve to be happy after what he did to me. He should be miserable for the rest of his life. Karma where the hell are you in my time of need !?!?!?!?!?! Because of him I have major trust issues with men after he attacked me. multiple failed “relationships” and I’m still alone and contemplating spinster-hood !

 

😦

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Wasn’t so bad

Well I had my night out and it went ok.

no punches thrown, no drinks swilled. My anxiety though was crazy that day.

Propranolol is my saviour. The wine also helped. So the people I don’t get on with were out and they were quiet at first but then I thought “Sod it !” and started making small talk with them/ Yes I was nervous but thought if they ignore me they are showing themselves up/ one of them did say that becoming a mother has changed her and she realised life was too short to waste being childish and ignoring people.

 

10 mins after she left the oub I got a Facebook friends request. The other girl chatted away to me then offered to drive me home at the end of the night instead if paying for a taxi.

 

Hopefully that’s the end of the awkward social life when I see them out ……

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Impending disaster

So I’m 28 and still deal with being bullied. I’ve been bullied all my life. Nursery, primary school, secondary school, in quite a few jobs and also in a relationship that has ruined my faith in men but hey ho that’s for another day.

My friend is returning from 2yrs of travelling. I’ve known her since I was 2 and she’s one of my closest friends. I’m excited to go for drinks at the weekend but I’m afraid of seeing 2 girls. A 30yr old and a 40yr old. I shouldn’t be worried or scared but I am and it angers me so much that people can make me feel like this. It’s mainly been verbal abuse I’ve relieved from them but the older of the two can get quite nasty when she’s had a drink. Typical British ladette.

I’m going to see my friend regardless but I know I’ll be popping propranolol for the next couple days in the lead up to the impending “night out”.

I’m hoping one day that the bullying will stop but I’ve always been told I have an attitude problem and bring it on myself which doesn’t exactly make me feel any better. My problem …… I have a tendency to throw “hackey” looks at people without realising, basically looking at people in disgust. Sometimes I don’t realise I do it. Fingers crossed I don’t do it this weekend or maybe waking up with a black eye on Sunday.

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Where to start

Nearly 30 and only starting a blog now. Sometimes I want to say things but I feel I’ll be judged by “friends” on Facebook for speaking my mind.

I suffer with depression and anxiety and like to vent my frustrations instead of bottling it up. People judge me for that. I don’t write anything racist or homophobic as I despise people like that but when I post my frustrations I get hassle.

I wasn’t a popular child at school, I was just there. I was bullied for a lot of my time at school. Verbally and physically. Life hasn’t been simple for me but I’m hoping 2014 will be.

I keep thinking “will I still be here this time next year or will my depression have pushed me over the edge”.

Guess I’ll have to wait and see

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